For this past week (updated: 3 weeks ago), I have been in New York to attend my Grandmother’s funeral. This is my first experience attending any funeral ceremony and has stirred my mind thinking about all the formalities associated with arranging the last rites for a dearly departed.

Arranging a funeral ceremony is one of the most, if not the most, emotionally intimate activity a child can do for a parent. If you think about it, parents fully determine the situations which children are welcomed to this world: the place of birth, the nationality, the name, etc.  However, children have final control over how parents will ultimately rest: the mode of burial, location of internment, remembrance ceremony --everything. I find this reciprocity interesting and never really noticed the connection until I was thrust into this very situation.

For some people, broaching the subject about death and burial rites is a gruesome topic that is best left untouched till situations require the need. However, I have been giving it some thought over how I would like to rest in the world when the time comes for me to depart existence.

The first choice to make is burial or cremation. My Grandmother chose cremation. To me, burial provides a stronger connection to the earth in that your body slowly decays and returns your body’s atoms to nature. Once can argue also that cremation also allows you to return to the earth. For instance, one could transport and spread ashes in many different situations, near a lake, out of an airplane, or even in outer space. You ultimately have more control over how your molecules will be recycled into the universe. In either case, all of your existence returns to the base elements that constitute the human body. At least in burial, technically your DNA and bones still remain on this earth. So there is still a unique marker on the planet indicating your existence. Cremation turns your whole being into carbon-dioxide, water, and base elements leaving no unique trace really that your feet treaded this earth.

Either way, I think the true difference between to two choices is not so much the method, but rather the environment where you are laid to rest. Most people get buried in a cemetery of course, and I have my own dislikes about being interred in a cemetery myself. We went to visit my late uncle who passed away when I was a small newborn. It was the first time I had visited his grave and the first time visiting a cemetery. As I watched the different plots of land during our drive around the cemetery, I could only remark to myself about the diverse types of markers which people chose to indicate their final resting place. At first examination, it seemed like each slab of stone, granite, or marble was competing with each other for attention. I saw huge obelisks piercing the air and towering over the low tombstones below. I saw a huge tomb or two carving out their own exclusive areas of space. I saw very plain markers that only had a flat slab of stone inserted into the ground with the grass even casting small shadows over the names etched in the markers. And of course, there was a profusion of different tombstones of different colors, shapes, and sizes. I guess this was a pretty old cemetery. We passed by older parts where you could see how the elements slows eat away at the rock.

The different words on the tombstones really gave me pause to think. Some just had a last name prominently on display. Some had a name coupled with a last sentence left to describe that person. Others had more elaborate descriptions with mini family trees and engravings of symbols or pictures. I am sure these important words provide great significance to the family and loved ones. But to me of course, I could only remark not on the actual meaning behind the letterings, but rather just on the types of letterings themselves. The ironic thing I suddenly realized is  that a cemetery is still a plot of earth and is owned by somebody else. You have to secure the rights to be in the cemetery. I’m not sure whether it’s like a lease to an apartment or something.  But, the upkeep of your last remains entrusted to complete strangers. One could say that a cemetery provides a more stable resting place because the people that run the cemetery are professionals that take it as their own responsibility to ensure that the land remains undisturbed. But I find it somewhat strange that the people who most visit your grave are not your loved ones, but rather the facility keepers that take away the dead flowers and make cut the grass.

This reminds me of a rather ironic comment my uncle made concerning burial plots. I am sure many of your parents including mine came from other countries. However, their final resting place could be very distant from the places where they could have lived the most significant portion of their lives. To paraphrase my Uncle: “You can look at the tombstone and really wonder ‘how the hell did these people ever end up here.’” My Grandmother is a good example, she lived most of her life in Hong Kong, and various places in China. However, she spent her last years staying with my Aunt in New York. Thus, despite having stronger ties to China, New York State is her final rest point. Actually, my grandmother is only somewhat relevant to this paragraph because she was actually cremated and only her ashes remain here. But I will leave the comparisons because the permanence of a burial plot only emphasizes the finality of the end location.

In the past, when generations of a family would live and die in the same village, being buried on your family plot of land would seem only natural. You would live in one place your whole life, and have your remains stay within that very same area. However, modern times introduce the high probability that families will be separated from each other over significant geographic distances. The actual location of your permanent resting place seems fairly arbitrary since you can never ensure that there will always be immediate family in close proximity.  Visiting the resting place of your loved ones might turn into an extended journey requiring considerable time and planning. One would think it is natural to keep family close during one’s lifetime – well why not also during death. I understand the subject of death and the departing of a loved one can stir very emotional and unhappy memories. And maybe some feel more comfortable that the dead have a special place where they can rest separate from the world of living. I think a burial plot creates a somewhat artificial barrier between the living and dead. Rather than making it hard to pay respects to the dearly departed, why not make it easy.

This brings me to the second option of cremation. My grandfather died in Asia. However, he was cremated and set in an urn. It was a simple matter of moving that very urn from Asia to New York when my grandmother also moved. Thus, he was able to travel with my grandmother even in death. I doubt this would be nearly as possible had he been buried in a permanent resting place. Rather than have your remains be bound permanently to an arbitrary patch of earth, why not have the spirit travel with the loved ones that remain on living. I think that is the best way to really create a long-lasting testimonial to one’s continued presence in the lives of your children.

Here’s how I would like to go: cremate my ashes and place part of my remains in separate urns that remain with my progeny. Time will tell whether I want some special ceremony performed with part of my ashes (I’ll figure this out later). I would tell my children that instead of spending a huge sum of money buying a marble space for me in some strange mausoleum I have never visited, save that money and buy me a nice cabinet instead. Set my remains among the favorite items that stir up the happiest memories –photos, figurines, favorite books, whatever that child wants. This ensures that whenever stories about me are told and images of how I lived my life brought into existence through the words of those who knew me, I will be close to listen.

If possible, set the location near a source of natural sunlight .Place a living flower or plant someplace nearby. I share my mother’s general disdain for cut flowers. Cut flowers look nice for a while, but eventually end up brown, withered and dry. Why not place before me a living thing that can blossom over and over again. Actually, what I would also ask is that a fruit tree be planted in my name. My mother and I did this when her father and mother passed away. We planted an Asian pear tree and a persimmon tree. I still remember the day we did that and I found that act of remembrance very touching. So I will continue that tradition with parents and would want that tradition continued with me. My tree will remain with my family. It will grow as my family will grow, bear fruit to be enjoined by my family, and will be cared for by nurtured by my family. Death is only a natural part of life and why not be remembered with a living monument rather than a life-less slab of stone or a cold urn.

I am sure many of you have differing opinions that what I have shared. These words are just my general views for what it’s worth.